this is my blog and i deserve to write how i feel, regardless of how others may perceive it & the behemoth of a post i'll create while doing so.
i am happy.
and i want to express myself.
these past couple of months have been a whole lot of heartache and hormones.
realizing a week before christmas that we probably weren't going to make it through the month because of a surprise car fix & numerous unexpected bills.
so 3 days before christmas we cuddled up next to the christmas tree and opened our christmas gifts so we could decide which ones we needed to take back.
it wasn't a sad moment, nor was it heartbreaking. it was sweet and memorable, our first christmas as poor newlyweds, crying and feeling the love in the room as we knew that it didn't matter if we had material things.
because all that matters is that we're together. and that was more than fine with us.
and then, the blessing of both of our parents, their love and willingness to help us, further manifested the tender mercies of the Lord in such a trying time.
the feeling of pure abandonment when i just can't take it anymore; this new birth control has made me periodically spiral into a depression i've never before experienced in my life, and so many nights have been wasted on meaningless tears & lashing out at my husband as he holds me in his arms and tries to love the emotional creature i've become. the inner debate that goes on in my head, asking "is this worth it? is the ability to not have children for 3 years worth the emotional pain i'm experiencing?" and praying that i can just get through it.
putting my pride aside and realizing that i can't do it on my own, and needing to humble myself and reach out for help from all directions.
our lives are not perfect. i really don't want it that way either, because then how would i grow?
we're learning on a step by step basis.
even if it's just taking it one day at a time, we're still practicing how to live with and love each other.
i sit at the computer daily judging myself, craving attention from everyone i look up to & being depressed and put down when i don't know how to do without making a fool of myself. my wanderlust gets the best of me sometimes and i just want to leave and never come back, like to a far off country or just pennsylvania. i beat myself saying i'm not as good as so and so, or how i don't have a cute family like what's her face, or have experience like picture graphics lady, or wondering why i can't have the same things as fashion girl. all i want is more.
to have a better phone, a cuter bedroom, a professional camera instead of a starter, more things i don't need that won't make me happy?
"the thief of joy is comparison."
i sat back, and thought to myself, "if i can't stop comparing myself to everyone on the internet, why am i even here? if it doesn't make me happy, then why do i keep doing it?"
and i don't have an answer.
i probably never will, it being the curse of my generation.
i just know that i have to stop.
that i am happy.
i like me.
i like how my clothes never match & most of them are from clearance racks and consignment stores and how my hair is always a mess.
i love my teeth and my crooked lips.
i love my puppy, our stinky basement apartment & how i want to shop at walmart because it's cheaper.
i love my husband and the way he is always so loving and willing to forgive this teenage girl who is still trying to figure herself out.
i love how i keep taking steps forward only to have my plans be unattainable until i've finally found what i need to be doing right now.
my flip floppy personality allows me to truly look at all sides of everything & what options could be taken to achieve different outcomes.
i like the way i sit and analyze every type & text that pops up in advertisements and how i can't listen to someone speak without typing the words in my head.
i love how i can set someone at ease and level with them on a personal basis because i'm not afraid to share everything. i like how i am an open book and nothing is hidden.
i'm not very good at doing things, but i've been blessed with the talent to appreciate & support the things other people do and the people that do them.
i'm a better listener than a talker and i get shy around new people i haven't been around before.
children trust me, but being the introvert that i am i will probably never be a people person.
if i could change anything about my personality, it would be that i'm so scared of messing up that i don't do what i want to. but i will. i'm putting my inhibitions aside and forgetting what it's like to be a perfectionist and then someday, maybe someday, i'll hit my happy medium.
i don't like capitalizing words and i use commas & run on sentences far more often than is necessary.
and until i get get a grip on myself and learn to handle myself and love myself the way God wants me to, i need to take a step back from this blog and all aspects of the internet.
i love you guys and i appreciate the wonderful blogger & real life friends you've been and the support and love you've shown me.
take care, i'm headed back to the basics & i'm going to start enjoying life the way i used to.
no one to please but myself, my Heavenly Father, and my husband.
with all my words, stephanie.