let me tell you about love
how did i know that i was in love?
we drove over to great harvest & he took me "back stage" for a fresh taste of treats.
he asked me what kind of sandwich i wanted.
i stood there, staring up at the sign with my mouth open wide (probably, that's how i imagine it in my brain.)
he came over and put his arm around me.
i let my head fall onto his shoulder.
& i forgot how to breathe. i'm pretty sure my heart was going at a thousand bpm, and my stomach was going to leap out of my throat. i got nervous and asked him just to make me his favorite so he would move his arm & the spinning would stop.
i sat down and watched him. he kept looking back at me, and i kept staring. was it indigestion? it had to be indigestion. it's the scone he gave me! heartburn? maybe i'm dehydrated. no, no this was real. is it love? what is love? ♫ baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more ♫ but for reals, i was wondering how another human could make me feel this way; so happy, so frivolous & upbeat like i could smile for a hundred years and not be tired of it. so calm & peaceful, but at the same time so anxious & nervous. like every emotion ever in one single moment, over and over again. like a combination of throwing up and that feeling you get when you jump really high on a trampoline. sweet, sweet love.
i thought, "i can see myself marrying him."
wait, what? did i just say that in my brain?
we went climbing & he would kiss me on the forehead every chance he got. i just wanted to leap into his arms every time i saw him smile. he made me feel so complete.
i was eating a scone.
my roommates and i were getting ready to watch the Swan Princess, and i let him in.
he had come from a YSA fireside so he had on a suit & a nice cashmere scarf around his neck.
he always looked super spiffy & my heart melted for the bazillionth time.
we sat on the teeny sofa because all the big ones were taken, but i didn't mind.
it felt nice to have his arms around me. a peace. like they belonged there, and i felt warm inside (no, really. i did. all warmy fuzzy happy like. it's not weird.)
he called me adorable when i knew all the words to all the songs, and then he rubbed my feet.
(minutes before nick arrived JJ told me, "steph, the man you marry will spontaneously rub your feet. got that?")
i was 100% myself that night, and it felt good.
we laughed at ridiculous youtube videos & all i wanted was to be closer to him.
closer, & closer. please.
then it was midnight. my roommates had all gone to bed & boyfriends had left for the evening.
it was just me and him on a plastic dorm room sofa.
and i loved it.
he cradled me in his arms and we talked about things that truly mattered to us.
i felt whole and complete.
3 a.m. he held me at the door but didn't kiss me good night. he didn't kiss me at all.
but i didn't mind.
he brought me to his FHE while i was in sweaty sweats, introduced me as his girlfriend & held onto my hand the entire time.
i was definitely his & was so happy to be.
we were the only ones in Pizza Hut. we sat on the same side of the bench & tried not to make our waiter feel weird with our constant canoodling. i thought for sure he was going to kiss me, but he didn't.
we drove right up to the haunted hospital "just to see". i thought for sure he was going to pull over and kiss me, but he didn't.
then we watched a movie in my room (ooh, scandalous) rather than in the people's eye view of my apartment living room.
halfway through Avatar i could tell he was staring at me, so i looked up & sure enough his bright blue eyes were deep in thought.
"what are you thinking about?" said i.
"i'm just wondering if now would be a good time to kiss you." replied he.
i looked up at him and asked, "well, what do you think?" i thought for sure he was going to kiss me.
and he did!
it was lunch time & we were taking a nap together before his english class.
"nick, why do you have to go to the U?"
"why do you have to stay here?"
"well, i guess if i moved up north with you we'd have to be pretty serious. you know?"
"well, we are."
"hmm... what do you want to have happen to us?"
"i want us to be together. permanently."
"nick, are you saying that you want to marry me?"
he gave me a look, and my heart exploded.
"....you're not supposed to know that yet."
then i laughed. because more than anything i wanted to marry him & he wanted the same thing, too. and the world was great. and we laughed together.
"is that okay with you?" he asked.
and i said, "yeah, that's alright with me."