1.5 years


in our marriage, we're at a certain point.

people ask us, "so, how long have you been married?" and we're all "a year and a half."
and, without fail, someone always asks, "so are you trying to have babies yet?"

it's not like i'm offended, because i'm not. at all.
but we're not. and we don't plan on babies for a while longer.

if we're going to get real here, and i want to, i'll admit that i'm always always waiting at the end of the month, waiting to pull out that leftover pee stick i have up on a high shelf in the bathroom to see if i have something growing inside me.

month after month nothing happens. i writhe in pain for 5-7 days because i'm not pregnant. (high thanks to my uterus for that one. gracias, buddy.)

and i'm sad when that happens. and i'll always be sad when that happens. i love babies. i love looking at them, i love talking to them, i love talking about them, i love looking at cute baby clothes and imagining dressing babies up all day how i want to. i love thinking about first words and decorating a nursery and having a baby buddy all the time. and when aunt flo makes her grand entrance, i like to pretend that my massively bloated belly is my baby belly. nick is always like, "you're going to be the cutest preggo ever!"

and then we start talking about it. and then it becomes real, like "yeah we could start trying to have a baby."

and then the more we talk about it, the more i don't want one. it's not that i think it will be hard, or that i'm scared or that i just don't want to wake up a zillion times a night. because i do. i think as a human female we are built to withstand all sorts of pains, and i've endured many, and hope to be able to endure many more.

but it's just not right. 

when it's the right time, i'll know. it's like i'm eyeing that one thing, that one dress i've been dying to splurge on, that vacation i really want to take, or the Canon 5D Mark III with a spanking new MacBook that i've been salivating over for so long. i want it. i know i could realistically have it. but there are things i need to buy before i get the "big things."

there are things i need to do before i have a baby. i don't know what those things are or when that will be, but when it happens i know that i'll know.

but for realsies, until that time happens i'll just sit here and want one, and want one, and think about having one. all the time.

meanwhile, let's love on my baby pinterest board.


  1. I'm with you. My husband and I just passed the 2.5 year mark and people who haven't asked before are starting to ask when we're planning on having kids. But it's like you said - it's just not "right" yet. Technically we COULD - we're financially stable, we have good jobs and a house...but it's just not time yet. I agree with you - when the time IS right, we'll know. So, you're not alone! (And I'm almost 30, too...which is about 5 years "past prime" according to a lot of people, but I don't care!)

  2. whoa. respect. i don't want babies for all of the selfish reasons. i like sleep, and alone time, and money. so you are amazing. and i'm so in awe of your maturity on that matter. i've had girls tell me they were anxious to have a baby so they did, but they knew it wasn't the right time and they should have waited. so props. major props. you are just plain smart.
    and seriously?? you have left over pee sticks?? i'm so paranoid i never have leftovers... haha

  3. It's amazing that we don't go crazy, both having the desire to have children and having the desire to be at the right time. For some reason I feel like when I have a kid I'll finally 'feel' grown up. I'm 25 and I sometimes feel like society or just my crazy mind says that people with kids even if they are younger than me are more mature. But I'm okay being a kid until then I guess.

  4. its all about timing and whats right for YOU two. its between you, your husband, and the lord. dont let anyone tell you different! and when the time is right you will be a wonderful and talented mom.

  5. I can't wait until you guys have babies! They are going to be so cute. But in the meantime, you can just babysit mine. :)

  6. i love you. i wrote a post so similar to this once. ...during my first marriage. it's funny how heavenly father knows and understands when something just isn't the right time.
    we you know it's time, you'll know. without a doubt. until then, just drive to salt lake and play with my baby. mmmkay?

  7. I wish more people would have the courage to do what is "right" for them even if it isn't what they wanted at the time. Props to you, chica. :)

  8. I am exactly there with ya. Right at the 1 and 1/2 mark. Its hard for people not too but to me I will decide when I want to!
    Do Dallas Cheap

  9. Wow, it's like your reading my mind.

  10. OHMYWORD. Every. single. person. I feel like people think we don't WANT kids because we haven't started popping them out yet. I just want to write it on my four head. "YES! We really, really want kids...but it isn't right yet!!"

  11. we waited around 3 years before we had our first baby, i so know what you mean when everyone ask - i think it is a idaho/utah thing (i live in idaho) but we ended up not trying but not preventing either.. and baby girl came! it's such a hard decision to actually say OK let's do this haha for us atleast :) better to have heavenly father do it for you!

  12. man, people ask the stupidest questions. i hate that these expectations in life. graduate. get married. settle into a home. have a child. yadda yadda yadda. so what if people deviate from this pattern? what if individuals decide school isn't right for them? or they'd rather cohabit, than marry? or choose to remain childless? we'd blow society's mind. this socially constructed order of events would have no merit. so stupid. sigh.