i like me.

this is my blog and i deserve to write how i feel, regardless of how others may perceive it & the behemoth of a post i'll create while doing so.

i am happy.

so happy.

and i want to express myself.

these past couple of months have been a whole lot of heartache and hormones.
realizing a week before christmas that we probably weren't going to make it through the month because of a surprise car fix & numerous unexpected bills.
so 3 days before christmas we cuddled up next to the christmas tree and opened our christmas gifts so we could decide which ones we needed to take back.
it wasn't a sad moment, nor was it heartbreaking. it was sweet and memorable, our first christmas as poor newlyweds, crying and feeling the love in the room as we knew that it didn't matter if we had material things.
because all that matters is that we're together. and that was more than fine with us.
and then, the blessing of both of our parents, their love and willingness to help us, further manifested the tender mercies of the Lord in such a trying time.

the feeling of pure abandonment when i just can't take it anymore; this new birth control has made me periodically spiral into a depression i've never before experienced in my life, and so many nights have been wasted on meaningless tears & lashing out at my husband as he holds me in his arms and tries to love the emotional creature i've become. the inner debate that goes on in my head, asking "is this worth it? is the ability to not have children for 3 years worth the emotional pain i'm experiencing?" and praying that i can just get through it.
putting my pride aside and realizing that i can't do it on my own, and needing to humble myself and reach out for help from all directions.

our lives are not perfect. i really don't want it that way either, because then how would i grow?
we're learning on a step by step basis.
even if it's just taking it one day at a time, we're still practicing how to live with and love each other.

i sit at the computer daily judging myself, craving attention from everyone i look up to & being depressed and put down when i don't know how to do without making a fool of myself. my wanderlust gets the best of me sometimes and i just want to leave and never come back, like to a far off country or just pennsylvania. i beat myself saying i'm not as good as so and so, or how i don't have a cute family like what's her face, or have experience like picture graphics lady, or wondering why i can't have the same things as fashion girl. all i want is more.
to have a better phone, a cuter bedroom, a professional camera instead of a starter, more things i don't need that won't make me happy?

why?


"the thief of joy is comparison."

SO WHY.

i sat back, and thought to myself, "if i can't stop comparing myself to everyone on the internet, why am i even here? if it doesn't make me happy, then why do i keep doing it?"

and i don't have an answer.

i probably never will, it being the curse of my generation.

i just know that i have to stop.

that i am happy.

i like me.

i like how my clothes never match & most of them are from clearance racks and consignment stores and how my hair is always a mess.

i love my teeth and my crooked lips.

i love my puppy, our stinky basement apartment & how i want to shop at walmart because it's cheaper.

i love my husband and the way he is always so loving and willing to forgive this teenage girl who is still trying to figure herself out.

i love how i keep taking steps forward only to have my plans be unattainable until i've finally found what i need to be doing right now.

my flip floppy personality allows me to truly look at all sides of everything & what options could be taken to achieve different outcomes.

i like the way i sit and analyze every type & text that pops up in advertisements and how i can't listen to someone speak without typing the words in my head.

i love how i can set someone at ease and level with them on a personal basis because i'm not afraid to share everything. i like how i am an open book and nothing is hidden.

i'm not very good at doing things, but i've been blessed with the talent to appreciate & support the things other people do and the people that do them.

i'm a better listener than a talker and i get shy around new people i haven't been around before.

children trust me, but being the introvert that i am i will probably never be a people person.

if i could change anything about my personality, it would be that i'm so scared of messing up that i don't do what i want to. but i will. i'm putting my inhibitions aside and forgetting what it's like to be a perfectionist and then someday, maybe someday, i'll hit my happy medium.

i don't like capitalizing words and i use commas & run on sentences far more often than is necessary.

and until i get get a grip on myself and learn to handle myself and love myself the way God wants me to, i need to take a step back from this blog and all aspects of the internet.

i love you guys and i appreciate the wonderful blogger & real life friends you've been and the support and love you've shown me.

take care, i'm headed back to the basics & i'm going to start enjoying life the way i used to.

no one to please but myself, my Heavenly Father, and my husband.

with all my words, stephanie.

koda's cuddling trick

i was talking about this to lauren the other day about how we've trained koda to cuddle with us when we ask.

but i've never realized that i take her sweet cuddling for granted. 

she definitely brightens any cold & dreary day

(it's cold & dark in this room, so i'm laying down with the laptop on my stomach. that's why i took on 3 other chins in this clip. ha) 

tuesday snippets

our house is lovely in the afternoon. it's the only bit of sunshine i get to enjoy for the entire day (i shake my fist at winter, daily)

my gorgeous camera  bag i got for christmas. i never go anywhere without her.

our bed goes unmade most days.

my husband is an architect. see his literature.

that precious dog.

& my favorite: peach herbal tea.

i need to take a day off. and when i do, things will get epic.

pinterest humor (twice)

yeah, that's sometimes how i feel about overly excited girls wearing swimsuits, too.

"what's in my bag" VLOG

you are more than welcome to ignore the fact that i'm trying to keep dripping snot in my nose the whole time. other than that, you might get a kick out of my "one-take koda-interrupting unscripted unplanned attempt at vlogging"

step 1: turn up your volume. i mean it. this video is so quiet.

step 2: press play.

step 3: attempt to understand the words coming out of my mouth. if you can't, just know it's something dorky & be okay with it. also, be okay with the craptastic lag. i'm like bradley cooper in limitless. ahh-some.

step 4: laugh, because i'm hilarious.

step 5: alright now it's your turn. no adding things, no taking stuff out, just what is in your bag. it can be your purse, camera bag, backpack, just whatever you carry around the most. but do it. vlog it baby.

i want to see inside of your soul. 

mm. breakfast foods.

it's "back to school" week here at our house.

but that's all i have to say about that. 

our kitchen is now stocked full of chocolate breakfast essentials packets, nutrigrain bars, oranges & apples.

they're our "go-to" foods for when we're running out of the house at 6:30 a.m. (i swear, that's all i live off of-- those breakfast essential packets save my life. did in college, still do now.) 

you know your husband loves you when:

- he wakes up at 5:45 in the morning. that's love, people.

- he'll run to the store just to get tampons.

- when he gets home from the store, he goes straight back to the store because you need something else

- you hop in the shower & he turns on the dryer so your clothes will be warm & toasty when you get out

- he refuses to sit down & not help when you're trying to be sweet and make dinner for him

- he'll watch fear factor with you even though you cover your eyes by burying it in his shoulder half of the time

-& he makes you midnight snacks, like his famous egg sandwiches. (advice for newlyweds, pick a go-to something that you can make any time of the day or night. it works wonders on anything & everything from bad days to nothing sounding good in the fridge. & your husband feels like a rock star for being able to prepare it & make you mighty happy.) & ampersand overload.

i love that nerdy handsome-face 20 credits of big kid college boy of mine. 

a snowfall & mother's house

no saturday is complete without a gorgeous snowfall on our street, 

puppies in sweaters,

a cute outfit, 

momma's house,

minute to win it games,

just dance 3,

chess & risk,

italian sodas,

and stromboli.

oh look, cookie dough for lunch again

probably not the best thing i should be eating when i'm sick, but hey, it's delicious.

congratulations meg! you're married!

today megan *livingston* is now married to her eternal love.

i've been wanting to share this little piece of our conversation we had a long time ago. i wasn't sure if she wanted me to at the time, but now that they're wed, i think it's appropriate. i emailed her one day about how she was neglecting her blog and i knew that something serious was up with her & Mckay, because i'd been there before. she emailed me back with this: (shortened for reading pleasure, you all know the story)

.....
March 19, 2011: he was broke & didn't have a car (much less, could drive on the right side of the road.) He walked to my house & we walked back to Bri's. We babysat for our first date. We made dinner & watched the kids. Our conversation was on fire & after i left, i wrote in my journal "you're marrying mckay, meg."
March, 20 2011 until now: It has been three months, steph. Three. That is insane & i've found myself completely, absolutely, incandescently in love with this boy. The sheer difference between a pre-mish & an RM is remarkable. I spend every day with him & the hours without him make me crazy. We read our scriptures together & talk about our love for the gospel. We dance often & go grocery shopping. We fall asleep together but set the alarms on our phones so we wake up before the sun rises. The goodnight's are always the hardest & they last over an hour each evening. He surprises me with my favorite flowers & kisses my tears away when i miss mom the most. I never expected two relationships to overlap & it's hard to express how i feel on my blog. It all sounds crazy but it feels so real. ... With other relationships, i felt like it was an "almost-fit." Like a pair of shoes that is just a bit too small but bearable to wear. With McKay, it's the perfect pair of shoes. (what an awful analogy.) I've never felt more like myself & who i want to be. I've been acting like a modified me for so long but it feels so great just to be me & to be loved for that.

that is real love. when i got this email so long ago, i couldn't help but cry because i knew that it's true-- that the person you're meant to be with is that "perfect fit" and i knew exactly how she was feeling. the "falling asleep and setting alarms" part made me laugh because we totally did that. and everything she said was 100% real.

we conversed later over lunch at cafe rio and talked about marriage and life. it was such a good day. i knew just by looking at her when she talked about him that they'd be together forever. she texted me when mckay asked her dad for her hand and i was giddy the whole way through, like watching a rerun of my own life, but different.

i'm so excited for you, meg. i may not be able to make it tonight and say it in person, but congratulations. thanks for confiding in me; it's been so fun seeing your adventure with McKay & remembering how it was with Nick oh so long ago. also, because you had your first date with him on my wedding, i knew it was a sign.

may your life be full of lovely happiness & lots of naked snuggling.

just do what you're supposed to and everything will be just fine.

jimmy-jack-john

by shel siverstein

oh, where are you goin', my jimmy-jack-john,

with only the moon for your light?

"i'm goin' 'round in search of the dawn and i'll prob'ly be gone most the night."

oh, why are you cryin', my jimmy-jack-john,

and why do you stare out to sea?

"i'm thinkin that over the waves of the pond the dawn lies a-waitin' for me."

but why do you wander, my jimmy-jack-john, 

a-roamin' in search of the blue?

just wrap yourself right in this blanket of night

and the dawn will come to you. 

just thought i'd share this. it was quite inspiring for a children's poetry book. then again, shel does that. maybe he's done it all along, and i've just been too little to realize it...?

for us who are trying so hard to find out what we're supposed to do in life & it's just not coming.. "be still, and know that i am God." 

i am as cool as my pinterest boards.

this new year has gotten off to a great start. we're really working on our resolutions, and we even have the living room tidy & clean. we picked up an old wing chair from my parents house and can't wait to reupholster it. we also moved the entertainment center back into the living room so we don't lock ourselves up in the bedroom all day every day. it's very, very nice.

this was also my first week going FULL TIME at work.
i also get really hungry at 10-11 o'clock at night. it's rough getting used to this new schedule! when i need to be sleeping i'm awake & eating mini wheats while watching SNL clips.

on the brighter side, it's like i have a gazillion more hours in the day. i mean, it's 5 and i feel like i've been awake for an eternity! i love relativity.......

p.s. that blogger physique picture, yes i made it. with microsoft paint. (i'm slightly addicted to it, which stems from my childhood and the resulting high levels of dopamine i experience when doing anything creative. which doesn't help my sleeping problem. moving on.) it was one of those "i'm awake so i might as well do something awesome" moments.

confession: this may hurt me in the long run.. but this must be said for my sanity. i love you guys, i do. i just can't stand it when random people leave a comment that is like "lolzzzz this is tha best blog eveeeerrrr u r so cuteeee plzz follow me @ starvedforattention.bloggyspot.com thx if u follw me ill follw u! xoxoxo" first of all, you suck at spelling words. next, i appreciate the .4 seconds it took to look over my blog and decide i was worth the spam, but please don't. if you like it, say so. if you don't like it, you're free to leave. post a comment like that and i will not ever look up you or your blog. ever. in fact i will lay awake at night and sacrifice my toenail clippings to the makers of the internet that your computer spontaneously combusts and then all the HTML on your site decides to curl up and die. on the same side, if i like your blog/ post/ ridiculous cuteness i will leave a comment saying so & probably keep reading because i creepily love you. i promise i am in nowise trying to get you to read or follow my blog when i comment on something.

♫ scaramoush scaramouch will you do the fandando? ♫

let's have a moment of silence for my $5 sunglasses that were sent to heaven by the purse monster yesterday.

here are some inspirations i found on pinterest that i plan on incorporating into my life ASAP...